When It Feels Like Your Child Is Always Defiant: Why They’re Refusing—and What You’re Not Being Told

Written By Brandy Hall, MSN, RN

I asked her to put on her shoes so we could go to the place she had been begging to go all morning.

And suddenly, she unraveled. The panic in her eyes. The refusal. The sobbing. I hadn’t raised my voice. I hadn’t barked a command. But something in that moment—the demand, the timing, the everything—shut her down.

It didn’t feel like defiance. It felt like survival.

At first, I blamed sensory overload. Or anxiety. Or just a rough day. But no matter how gently I said it, how calmly I explained it, how many choices I gave—if it felt like a demand, it triggered full-on panic.

Suddenly, it made sense.

What Is Pathological Demand Avoidance (a.k.a. Persistent Drive for Autonomy)?

Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA) is what’s known as a behavior profile, most commonly associated with autism. It’s marked by an extreme avoidance of everyday demands, even ones your child wants to do. 

PDA isn’t officially recognized as a diagnosis in the U.S., so you won’t find it in the DSM-5. But in countries like the UK and Australia, it’s increasingly acknowledged as a distinct profile of autism.

Some professionals and families now refer to it as a persistent drive for autonomy, which more accurately describes what’s going on underneath the behavior.

At its core, PDA isn’t about defiance—it’s about anxiety and control. Not control over you, but over themselves and their environment.

Requests—even simple, harmless ones—can be perceived as threats. And when that happens, their nervous system kicks into fight, flight, freeze, or fawn.

What does that look like?

  • Fight – Lashing out, yelling, pushing, hitting

  • Flight – Hiding, escaping, avoiding, eloping (running away)

  • Freeze – Going still, going quiet, “I can’t move”

  • Fawn – Agreeing quickly, masking distress, melting down later

This isn’t manipulation. It’s not being spoiled. 

This is their body sounding the alarm:

“I don’t feel safe. I need to take back control.”

So What Does PDA Really Look Like?

Let’s break down the common traits—but more importantly, what they actually play out in your everyday life. Clinical definitions don’t quite cut it when you’re just trying to survive the morning routine or get your kid out the door without a full-blown battle.

1. Ordinary Requests Feel Like Life-or-Death Pressure

Your child might:

  • Ask for a snack, then scream when you hand them the exact thing they requested.

  • Fall apart when you say, “Let’s get ready to go!” (even if it’s to their favorite place).

  • Swing or kick when you whisper, “It’s time to brush your teeth.”

It’s not about what you’re asking. It’s simply that you’re asking.

2. A Deep, Overwhelming Need for Control

Control isn’t a preference—it’s survival. And when your child feels it slipping, their whole system can spiral.

Maybe you’ve seen:

  • Meltdowns over which shoe goes on first

  • Screaming because you grabbed the green cup they asked for

  • Rage because you picked up the car keys before they asked you to

This isn’t a power struggle. It’s their brain trying to stay safe.

3. Creative, Clever (and Sometimes Hilarious) Avoidance Strategies

You might hear:

  • “I just need to grab one more thing!”

  • “My legs don’t work right now.”

  • “Wait! Look at this bug!”

  • “Can I be a kitty instead?”

Or this gem:

“I can’t clean up right now. I’m the manager and you’re the worker.”

These aren’t excuses—they’re survival strategies. In that moment, anxiety-driven attempts to avoid that threat feel like the only option.

4. They Seem Social—But Struggle in Hidden Ways

They might be talkative, charming, and love adults. But PDA kids often:

  • Speak like little adults and challenge authority

  • Try to co-parent or take charge

  • Melt down when social pressure builds up—even if they masked through it at first

5. Mood Swings Are Fast and Intense

One moment, they’re giggling. The next?

  • Tears because the bath wasn’t warm enough.

  • Screaming because you suggested the wrong bedtime story.

  • Throwing objects because transitions happened too fast.

It’s not drama. It’s overwhelm. And until they feel safe again, reasoning won’t help.

6. People-Centered Fixations

PDA kids often hyper-fixate on people rather than objects.

You might notice:

  • Constant need to be near you

  • Demanding to know your location at all times

  • Swinging from clingy affection to “I don’t like you anymore!”

They’re not trying to control you—they’re trying to feel secure in unpredictable dynamics.

7. Role Play Isn’t Just Fun—It’s Self-Preservation

Pretend play is more than just imagination. It’s regulation. It’s safety. When they’re a cat, a superhero, or a doctor—they’re in charge of the rules.

Once, she told me: 

“I can’t clean up because I’m the doctor and I’m too busy saving lives.”

And honestly? I let her have that one.

Why This Isn’t Oppositional Defiant Disorder (Even If It Looks Like It)

On the surface, PDA and Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD) can look similar. You may hear:

“She needs discipline.”
“He’s just trying to get under your skin.”
“That sounds like ODD.”

On the surface, the behaviors look similar—but what’s driving them couldn’t be more different.

ODD is more than just occasional backtalk or a bad mood. It’s a persistent pattern of deliberate, uncooperative, and often hostile behavior toward authority figures that disrupts everyday life.

Think beyond the typical eye roll—ODD shows up as a consistent, intentional pattern across time and situations, and it usually centers around defiance itself.

Kids with ODD may push back on rules on purpose—not because they're panicked or anxious, but because they're angry, frustrated, or reacting to inconsistency, stress, or even poor boundaries at home or school.

There’s usually a clear undercurrent of defiance, and that defiance itself is often the focus.

PDA, on the other hand, isn’t about defiance—it’s about anxiety.
The refusal isn’t a choice. It’s a nervous system in overdrive. It’s panic, not power.

And trying to treat PDA like ODD—with punishments, firmer rules, or stricter consequences—doesn’t calm the storm. It escalates the fear. 

Your child feels less safe, less understood, and more desperate to regain control.

What Helps (And What Really, Really Doesn’t)

✅ What Helps:

  • Saying “when you’re ready” instead of “right now”

  • Offering real, pressure-free choices

  • Using humor, play, or connection before redirection

  • Giving space when they’re dysregulated

  • Minimizing direct demands

❌ What Doesn’t:

  • Forcing compliance

  • Sticker charts and consequence systems

  • Logic-based reasoning in the middle of a meltdown

  • Ignoring their need for autonomy

  • Assuming they’re doing it “on purpose”

Once you stop approaching every task as a battle to win, everything shifts. It may not get easy—but it becomes manageable.

And I know that might sound like one of those “easier said than done” statements… but even small progress can make a massive difference in how you feel—and how your child responds.


You’re Not Alone (Even If No One’s Talking About It)

If you see your child in these words, I want you to hear this:

You’re not crazy.
You’re not failing.
You’re not alone.

And your child? They’re not broken. They don’t need to be “fixed.”
They’re doing their best to feel safe in a world that overwhelms them.

If you’re exhausted, confused, and trying to hold it all together—you don’t have to do this alone. You deserve support just as much as your child does.

Grab my free guide: “How to Steal 10 Minutes a Day for Yourself – Without Guilt!”

It’s a small step, but one that’s just for you. Because you’re not just surviving this—you're allowed to have support, too.

P.S. Want a community that actually gets it? Join other moms navigating the same chaos inside The Extra Needs Mom Collective—a private Facebook group for support, healing, and rediscovery.

Brandy Hall, MSN, RN

Meet Brandy—nurse practitioner, parent coach, and fellow mom in the trenches of high-needs parenting.

She’s navigated the sleepless nights, the endless appointments, the sensory battles, the frustration of fighting for answers, the therapy waitlists, and the constant worry of Am I doing enough? With one kid, it was a feeding disorder that no one seemed to take seriously. With the other, it was a whirlwind of sleep struggles, sensory quirks, and safety worries—eventually leading to an autism and ADHD diagnosis.

But she didn’t just sit back and accept the “wait and see” approach. She dug in—researching, advocating, and using her medical background to find real solutions. And along the way, she realized something: moms like her don’t just need more advice—they need real support from someone who gets it.

If you’re raising a child with autism or ADHD and feel like you’re constantly running on fumes, you’re in the right place. Brandy’s here to share what works, what doesn’t, and how to make sure you don’t get lost in the chaos. Because no mom should have to figure this out alone.

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