ARFID 101: When It Isn’t “Just Picky Eating” and What Moms Need to Know

Apr 10

If you're the mom making three meals every night just to hopefully get one bite into your kid...

If mealtimes at your house regularly end in tears—sometimes theirs, sometimes yours...

If you’ve ever been told “They’ll eat when they’re hungry,” and you had to physically stop yourself from screaming...

If you have a kid who eats about five foods—and one of them is air—you might already know this isn’t just picky eating.

Maybe you’ve tried all the tricks—fun plates, dipping sauces, renaming broccoli into “dinosaur trees” (which got you thinking that might be the real reason dinosaurs are extinct).

Maybe every meal has started to feel like an emotional battlefield.

Here’s the thing: Sometimes, picky eating isn’t just a phase. Sometimes, what you’re dealing with goes so far beyond picky that it feels like no one else even sees it.

If that sounds familiar, it’s time to talk about ARFID—Avoidant/Restrictive Food Intake Disorder.

I’ve lived it—I DO live it! And I want you to know: You’re not crazy. You’re not overreacting. And you’re definitely not alone.

What is ARFID?

ARFID is an eating disorder where kids (and some adults) have extreme food avoidance that goes way beyond typical picky eating. They refuse or restrict food to the point where it affects their growth, nutrition, mental health, and daily life.

Unlike other eating disorders, like anorexia or bulimia, ARFID isn’t about body image or weight loss. It’s about deep-rooted food anxiety, sensory issues, fear of choking or vomiting, food trauma, or low appetite.

It’s super common in neurodivergent kids, especially those with autism and ADHD.

Some kids with ARFID have a sensory reaction to certain textures (“that banana feels like actual slime in my mouth”), while others have a fear of choking, vomiting, or new foods (“I don’t care if I’ve never tried it, I KNOW it’s poison”).

It can show up slowly or, as it did in our case, seemingly overnight.

So, if you’re over there wondering why your kid will eat only one specific brand of chicken nuggets and can somehow tell when you switch brands? You are not crazy. Your child’s brain processes food differently.

Signs Your Child Might Have ARFID (And Not Just Picky Eating)

So how do you know if it’s ARFID or if it really is just a phase? Here are some red flags:

Their “safe food” list is shrinking, not growing

Many kids have favorite foods, but ARFID kids rely on a very short list of safe, predictable options. They may stop eating foods they once liked and refuse to add anything new.

In our case, my daughter suddenly stopped eating altogether right before she turned two. No illness. No trauma. She just started crying at meals and wouldn’t eat. Eventually, she would only eat five specific foods—and even those were unpredictable at times.

It’s Not Just a Power Struggle

ARFID isn’t a “child asserting control” situation. It’s not about being difficult or manipulative. Kids with ARFID aren’t refusing food to get their way—it’s real anxiety, fear, or sensory distress.

People told me I was being too soft. That she was “running the show.” But I could see the fear in her eyes. She wasn’t trying to get out of dinner—she was terrified. Of new textures, smells, even the idea of tasting something unfamiliar.

They Physically Can’t Eat Certain Foods

Not won’t, but can’t. This isn’t drama or manipulation. It’s fear. The kind that lives in their body. They might gag, cry, vomit, or completely shut down—sometimes even if the new food is just near their plate, not on it. It’s like asking someone with a spider phobia to hold a tarantula.

For us, just having something unfamiliar at the table could trigger a meltdown. She wouldn’t even sit down if it was too close to her plate, like it might reach out and touch her.

Mealtimes Feel Like an Episode of Survivor

Meals become a source of tension, exhaustion, and dread. Your child may fear eating, and you may find yourself constantly walking on eggshells around food.

I started to dread every meal. Not just the food, but the planning, the pressure, and the judgment from others when I accommodated her. It consumed so much of my energy—and no one seemed to understand how much it impacted our entire family.

They’ll eat when they’re hungry (Except… they won’t)

This one trips up a lot of parents because we’re taught that hunger will eventually win. But with ARFID, fear and discomfort override hunger. Not to mention the possibility of mixing in other neurodivergent issues.

One doctor told me not to offer anything new until she ate what was served. She didn’t eat… for three days. I gave in before she did. She would rather go hungry than try something outside her comfort zone.

Everything has to be the “right” kind—or it’s a no-go

Predictable foods have to be specific sizes, shapes, colors, brands, etc. It’s not just what the food is—it’s how it looks, feels, and even where it comes from. If it’s not the right shape, brand, or packaging, it’s immediately rejected. And heaven forbid a company rebrands their packaging—because now it’s not the same food, and everyone’s melting down.

My daughter could spot a different brand of chicken nugget from across the room. Same food, different package? Total refusal.

“Just Take One Bite!” (And Other Things That Don’t Work)

Oh, the well-meaning advice we’ve all heard:

Them: “They’ll eat when they’re hungry!”

Us: “Not if their brain says NOPE, they won’t.”

Them: “If you stop catering to them, they’ll eventually eat.”

Us: “Ah, yes, let’s just starve them into submission.”

Them: “Just make them take one bite.”

Us: “I did! They gagged. Then cried. Then vomited. Thanks for the tip.”

The reality? For ARFID kids, forcing food can actually make things worse—it increases anxiety and makes mealtimes even more stressful.

Why This is Exhausting for Moms (And Why You’re Not Failing)

Let’s be honest, parenting a child with ARFID is draining.

You’re cooking multiple meals because family dinner would otherwise be mac and cheese or bust.
You’re spiraling about their weight and trying to get enough calories in them without causing a meltdown.
You’re lying awake at 2 a.m. Googling ways to sneak food into other food, hoping you can find a way they won’t notice.

You’re dodging unsolicited advice from family members who think you’re “too soft.”

And the guilt? Whew. Off the charts! You worry that you aren’t doing enough. Or you’re overdoing it. Or you’re making it worse.

Let me say this loud and clear: You did not cause this. Your child is not broken. You are doing your best, and that is enough.

So… What Can You Do?

The good news? There are things that help. Here’s where to start:

Ditch the Pressure – Take the focus off “you have to eat this” and shift toward making food feel safe and low-stress.
Learn Their Sensory Triggers – Some kids avoid mushy foods, others can’t handle strong smells. Understanding this helps you work with their brain instead of against it.
Consider Feeding Therapy – Occupational and feeding therapists specialize in helping ARFID kids expand their diet without trauma.
Embrace Small Wins – If they go from eating zero fruits to licking a strawberry? That’s progress. Celebrate it!
Find Support – ARFID is hard, and you shouldn’t have to figure it out alone. Whether it’s an online group, a feeding therapist, or just a friend who gets it, support makes a difference.

You’re Not Alone in This

I can’t stress this enough!

If mealtimes feel impossible and you’re running out of ideas, you are not a bad mom. You’re a mom who loves her child and is doing everything in her power to help them thrive.

ARFID isn’t something you can “fix” overnight, and that’s okay. Progress happens in tiny, almost invisible steps. But over time? Those steps add up.

So, take a deep breath. Go grab a coffee (or let’s be real—a strong one). And remind yourself—you and your kiddo are in this together.

Need support from someone who gets it?

I created a space just for moms like us—where you can ask questions, vent without judgment, and get real support.

Inside my Facebook group, The Extra Needs Mom Collective, we talk about high-needs parenting, autism, ADHD, ARFID, self-care, and how to survive when everyone else just doesn’t get it.

You don’t have to figure this out alone. Come join us.

Brandy Hall, MSN, RN

Meet Brandy—nurse practitioner, parent coach, and fellow mom in the trenches of high-needs parenting.

She’s navigated the sleepless nights, the endless appointments, the sensory battles, the frustration of fighting for answers, the therapy waitlists, and the constant worry of Am I doing enough? With one kid, it was a feeding disorder that no one seemed to take seriously. With the other, it was a whirlwind of sleep struggles, sensory quirks, and safety worries—eventually leading to an autism and ADHD diagnosis.

But she didn’t just sit back and accept the “wait and see” approach. She dug in—researching, advocating, and using her medical background to find real solutions. And along the way, she realized something: moms like her don’t just need more advice—they need real support from someone who gets it.

If you’re raising a child with autism or ADHD and feel like you’re constantly running on fumes, you’re in the right place. Brandy’s here to share what works, what doesn’t, and how to make sure you don’t get lost in the chaos. Because no mom should have to figure this out alone.